A Little About relationships in Thirty One

I know some people came here to hear about relationships and not the more esoteric portion of the I Ching, and I want to try to please everyone as much as possible. My big thing, and my greatest knowledge lies in areas regarding our "personal relationship" with the I Ching, and the way the I Ching speaks of itself in every line, and every comment. Nevertheless, most people are more mundane in their desires and understanding and I will try to accommodate that.

Relationships are tricky, because men and women do not understand each other. Some men understand women quite well, and are successful with them because of that, but even they, in the long run, will run into difficulties that they cannot understand or control. Even in Ni Hua Ching's book of the I Ching, he states that his own mother told him that even highly advanced spiritual men have trouble with women. How smart she was. When I was younger, I sometimes heard first the man speak of his problems with his wife, and later hear the woman state the problems with the husband, and upon hearing their arguments, I would come to the conclusion they are not even talking about the same spouse, it was as if they were married to too different people. The arguments weren't relating to each other at all, and it seemed as if there was a complete disconnect. Because of that, I came to be under the illusion that I understood women fairly well. Well, no, I didn't, and I paid a high price for my lack of knowledge. I had no idea, in many cases, how I was coming across or what the other person was thinking. It was a language foreign to me.

Here is a problem some men have with women. Hexagram thirty one line three says, "Every mood of the heart influences us to movement. What the heart desires, the thighs run after without a moment's notice." When men see something they want, they go after it. There is really not a lot of thought put into it, they just go after it. This is what they have been taught. In a football game you keep slugging away until the competition folds. A shoe salesman doesn't give up on a sale the first time he receives a no. Men tend to go directly to the goal. This is their upbringing and their nature, and what makes them successful; which is ironic because women want men who are successful, but the very means of becoming successful are the very means that so often turn a woman off.

So what is the solution for men? Well, first of all, it is necessary that we hold back. Too much interest too early can drive a woman away fast and can have really negative effects on his social life, which he is not likely to understand. His initial reaction to the rejection is to think, "women don't like me." He is totally unaware of his own participation in bringing about the rejection that he receives. The line goes on to say, "In the life of a man, however, acting on the spur of every caprice is wrong and if continued leads to humiliation." It is essential for men especially that they learn to hold back their own desires and cravings, whether it's love or lust, and let things flow normally. Women are more in tune with the natural flow, men are more in tune with "making things happen." It works in the outside world, although even there with many qualifications, it does not work with women.

But women too can be guilty of this. It has been said that too many women wear their wedding dress on the first date. It is different with women, and it is only likely with someone they are really, really attracted too, but it can happen. If we show our eagerness too much it puts a pressure on the other person. They other person is pushed into deciding right away how much they like someone, how well it will work, and is it what we really want.

The commentary goes on to say, "First, a man should not run precipitously after all the persons whom he would like to influence. but must be able to hold back under certain circumstances." This comes in the hexagram called, "Attraction" or "Influence," or "wooing." It is one thing to hear these words, it is another to be socially experienced and learn how to skillfully put them into practice. That is the difficult part.