A minimal account of relationships in hexagram #33

Well, I have been sidetracked about talking about relationships per se in terms of the hexagrams with line two and five and yin and yang respectively, partly because hexagram thirty three is so difficult to interpret relationship wise in the English version. That does not mean that wisdom cannot be gleaned from its pages in this manner, but it is more difficult for those who do not know the original Chinese.

There are, however, some lessons to be learned, depending on one's level of comprehension. The second and fifth lines show the attitude that one must have toward the other in a relationship. The second line is yin, and as such it must cling to the yang line as much as possible. In contemporary parlance, this can mean that we must do everything possible in a relationship to make it work, and we must cling together, hold together in order for the relationship to work.

On the other hand, line five appears to be about doing the opposite, but this is just the flip side of the same coin. Our attitude on the one hand must be that we make the relationship work, but on the other hand that must be done without becoming what some might call a clinging vine. There must at one and the same time be an attitude of doing whatever it takes to make the relationship work, while at the same time being totally detached from it. This on the surface does not make any sense, but lets look at it this way. If we are constantly doing things out of fear, with a view of making the relationship work, the more it slips away from us. If we work, however, to maintain it, while being at the same time totally detached from it, we are in effect showing a lack of fear, and we do not have to say the words, "The thing that I most greatly feared has come upon me." (Words of Job in the old testament.) The fifth line retreats, but it is a friendly retreat. In other words, the fifth line has no animosity nor hatred of the second line, and even considers the line a friend, but at the same time, it asks nothing of the relationship out of a lack of self confidence but simply does what it does to maintain it.

This gives us men some hint as to what women actually mean when they say they are attracted to confidence. For what women consider confidence often comes across as arrogance to men. This difference in perception makes life often difficult between men and women. From a man's point of view, excessive confidence in a woman comes across as total disinterest, and is not necessarily appealing, and yet studies show that women in general are very confident in relationships. That comes across as extreme coldness to men. The key here is to do what is right for the sake of doing only what is right, as hexagram twenty five says, "not counting on the harvest while plowing." We do what is right in our relationships only because it is right, while at the same time being totally detached in our minds as to the outcome.

In a way, this is right for women, and men too to a certain extent, for clinging vine, and acting out of fear, even if it is not totally perceived that way by the partner, will have elements within it that come across as victim thinking. It has been said that the person who cares the least in a relationship has complete control over the other person. This is true, while yet ironic. It does not seem fair, yet in a way it is. We must give the other person the right to be themselves. We must give them the right to come and go as they please. It is also somewhat ironic that showing an interest in someone too early only chases them away. The second line attaches itself and will not let go, but the fifth line is only repelled and leaves the scene. It is like line one of hexagram thirty eight that says, "If you lose your horse do not run after it, it will come back of its own accord." In this way we can have complete confidence in our relationships.

Remember the discussion about how a man is simply looking for a woman, but a woman is looking for the "right" man. It would appear that men are at a complete disadvantage when they are dating a beautiful woman because the least little slip up by the man means she can simply dump him and go out with any of the three billion other men in the world who would jump at the chance to be with her. But when she does this, she finds that the other men are not the "right" man, with whom she feels the "right" chemistry, and returns. Relationships are bizarre, and men and women think very differently about them.